Jealously

Jealousy is a very strong emotion, and emotion only.
It is closely followed by anger and depression, and is centered around my selfishness.

Jealousy sets my imagination free. It subtracts my logic, and allows a school of negative thought to swim through my head.

so I sit there going through them, and I find myself getting angrier and angrier after each thought.

before I blow up, my anger transforms into depression.
My inability to keep what I was afraid of loosing.

I don't like being jealous.
but it always seems to get the better of me.

I need to trust more, and ask for more faith
Love is not Jealous said the Lord.

Cannot co-exist

Though read many times.
I never appreciated that God can simply not coexist with sin.
When I accepted Jesus into my life. I had the holy spirit dueling (correction "dwelling") within me.
However, when sin entered through my eyes and my mind.
ensuing was a struggle within.
Each seem to be repelling the other.
They won't blend, and they can't be compromised.
The vary nature of Sin and God is that where one rules, the other cannot.
I am a witness for that.

If you, like me, have known what it was to rely on Jesus, and to have him as the rock in your life, can fully appreciate the irreplaceable peace his love gave to your soul.
It was how it was suppose to be.

God cannot be with Sin,
in this life or after into eternity.

Sharon

Things I like about Sharon

she is loyal and faithful
she does things the best she can
she is very clear headed
She is very focused on the right things
she is funny/cute
she encourages me, makes me better
She loves God
She is willing to take the time to work out problems with me
she is willing to forgive me
she is willing to wait for me to grow
she believes in me
she cooks well
she dresses nicely
I can make her laugh
I can talk to her and be a good listening ear with feedback
she likes me too
she is very nice to her parents
she treats me well, remembers my problems, and helps me with them.
she smells nice
she's a good singer
she listens to God, and me
she considers what others say, and likes to make sure she's making the best decisions
when we talk, we never run out of things to say
when we do activities I always have fun completing them with her
we are productive, and we have fun when ever we try to finish something together
when we discuss a problem, we always come up with a solution
she is very brave
she never takes the short cuts
she is very straightforward, no deceit
she voices her opinions, but is willing to listen at the same time
she relies on me for things I am able to help her with

Retreat

I went on a retreat the past weekend.
One moment summarized the whole experience.
We set out into the night at 11PM.
our goal was to set up a bonfire in the fields.
our cottage was at the end of a long forest trail.
so as we walked through the road that was plowed down between the woods.
we looked above and saw countless stars between the trees.
we were looking at the same sky we had in the city.
where stray lights from street lamps and store fronts blocked out the stars set by God.
I have never seen a sky so beautiful and peaceful.
In the same way, I saw God more clearly than ever when I got rid of all the other pollutions in my life.
I am so safe. Guided by the same God who guided the stars in the sky to where they should be.

Crowd

Fall term is here.
its a little bit harder to walk through the now crowded campus.
everyday I pass by hundreds of busy bodies holding books or girlfriends.
Sometimes I think I stare too much.
occasionally our glances meet and I am confident that they can't be sure I'm looking at them and not what's behind.
Lately...
I've been hoping to see and tell my future wife's smile from the crowd.
Someone who didn't just pass by, but stayed with me and walks through with me.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus

Philippians 4:6-7

Things to learn

I want to learn the words of encouragement.
I want to be gentle enough to not damage.
I want to be clean enough to not infect.
I want to be attentive enough to take care of someone.

forced to be brave

I really don't have what it takes to apply to grad school
but I have to turn a blind eye to that for now

often I shy away from a road I don't think I am capable of walking
I have the ability to become content with whatever option I am left with

maybe its not always the best choice to take.
If I do this again, I guess I'll always take the same approach to every challenge or decision in my life.
this time, with some encouragement, I've decided to go against my own grain
and do something that is out of the range of what I am "capable" of.

Cousin

My cousin is as close as I get to a sister
related through twin fathers our interests are interestingly similar
God made my nose the same way as hers so that any laymen can see we are related
a little proof of our common bloodline
she is, imo, nothing but a female, smarter and prettier version of me.

I told her about my plans so I could hear her suggestion and and encouragements
she is responsible for re-introducing me to my interest in art

Finally, a prayer follows sorrow about leaving again tomorrow
uncertainties about when we'll meet again hangs
At the same time its good that someone so dear is here
though communication through gtalk and picasa is never good enough
it'll have to do

Memories

Memories stream out from old photographs
for a second I am in that picture again
re living the moments it captures
I can smell it again as a chain of senses are re tingled by the familiar faces and places
at the same time its a hard realization that time has put an impenetrable barrier between the past and the future
its saddening that minor things ruined the moments I should have been treasuring with appropriate thankfulness to God.

Coffee

Dreaming of a sunny day with a cup of coffee
Its so bright I have to squint my eyes until it stresses my cheeks
its so hot I am half conscious
Head's sweating so much thoughts are dripped out like water.
its surprising to see that there is no girl in this dream, I am alone
There are anonymous pedestrians who's faces I didn't bother to imagine
It seems I didn't belong there. I was probably teleported here.
returning back home soon.
Its an escape.
my coffee is still three quarters full
the heat of the day maintains the coffee's warmth
I have no idea where I am, I am worry free
just have to concentrate on drinking my coffee

Find something I can do

Future profession, rough thoughts.
Maybe need to look into more in the future!

Research (biomedical) as a future profession?

pros:
- next co-op job is similar to research... so... God's guidance?
- A friend said I would be good in research
- It can be very meaningful work

cons:
- Am I smart or dedicated enough for this type of job? So far, I am not enjoying the academics. Perhaps research is a different game altogether?
- probably have to commit to graduate school
- I want the extra time in my life to do other things. I don't want to spend to much time on my work.

Work as an Engineer for any company that hires me, go to workforce directly after graduation~

Pros:
- Good pay, and maybe steady job.
- good hours, after work time should be all mine!
- no need for graduate school, can start right away.

Cons:
- can't think of much right now.
- I guess the work isn't as meaningful?


So basically, right now, I am tipping towards going to the workforce directly.
However... we'll see if next work term changes that.

Don't have to be the best

If you are stupid, but you are smart enough to help this one particular person, or do this one particular thing. Why not do it.
If you aren't funny, but one person still laughs at your joke, why not keep joking.
Don't have to be the best.
just have to be willing, and have the right goals.

changing plans

once again I find myself insufficient for one of the courses I am taking
I'm going to change my plan for the future
no more grad school plans
straight to work for me
get a steady income.
its not so bad!
as long as I did the best with what God gave me

Arms

I want to control and shape the figures of the clouds
but they are too far for the tip of my fingers to mould
I reach out my arms and its not even a couple of feet

timing

a shower waits for the spring,
a bug waits for the summer,
a pumpkin waits for the fall,
and a snowflake waits for the winter.
God's timing is perfect!

Waterloo rain

When is rains in Waterloo it does not pour,
It drizzles or spits as the Brits would say.
you can not feel the rain drops,
but before you know it your t-shirt is wet,
and your hair has dew on its tips like the morning grass.
the weather is always so dim when it rains,
like the day was stuck in an hour of dawn.
You feel like being stuck with it,
and get away with not doing anything for awhile.

Fever miracles

After hitting near 40 with my fever two little miracles happened that I want to share with you.

First happened when I was stuck in the car waiting for my parents to come back from the shopping center. My fever was at its worst, and on top of that I was long overdue in using the washroom. The car was now filled with the germs from my chronic cough, and the bottle I was using to cool my head wasn't cool anymore. so in my moment of helplessness, I prayed to God, that if this is a test, I will pass it and stay faithful to Him. Soon after I decided to open the car door to let in some fresh air. To my surprise the car alarm rang! honk! honk! honk! So I started to struggle in the car, breathing heavily through my large cough mask, and the people outside looked in very angrily at me. Eventually it stopped, but the whole experience scared the sweat out of me, and helped lower my fever temperature for just a few hours :D

Second miracle was when I was half asleep and on the third day of my fever. I prayed to God for healing. I was depressed. My fever seemed hopeless like many things I was worried about in my life. I reflected on many of them, and my conclusion was I reaffirmed to God that He was the only thing that I will place all my trust and hope in. After the prayer a verse came to mind - Psalm 23. The part about how my cup overflows. I then pored whatever water was remaining in the water bottle into my water cup. Amazingly it filled it to the brim exactly, and I was urged to drink it all in one sip by who knows what! I obliged, and the fever never came back.

advice

Throughout my life, my Mom gave me the advice of

"if you have something to do, do it right away".

I will start to listen to that advice now!

Missing sing apore

In Singapore, I am seen as a sloth like person.
After leaving Singapore for a few days now,
I am just now starting to miss it.
I am a few days late.
slowly but surely, my senses have caught up with me though,
and it realizes all the things that are missing now.
Don't get me wrong, I am glad to be back in Canada.
but its so different here I wonder if the trip ever happened at all.
could have very well been a long coma dream I had.
Then I look up on my staple board,
and I see the pictures and notes and gifts I was given.
So it wasn't just a dream eh!
I couldn't have wrote and made those in a dream!
my good buddies did.

fun with languages

so berak means poo poo in bahasa I think.

the smell of your berak is imberable!

I am constipated, and unberakable!

squint your eyes, show your teeth, wiggle your butt and start the berak dancing

Temptations

I did terrible on my first exam.
I keep thinking about why I am in engineering.
Why didn't I just go to some kind of other program that I'll be better in (not sure what)something less demanding that my brain can maybe handle better.
something I am naturally good at.

during these stressful times, I am also very vulnerable to temptations on the internet, and often fail.
sitting in my room, I just want to get away from it all for awhile.
and for the first day.
that is what I did.
I gave into the temptation.
I did those unpleasing things in order to get rid of those unpleasant stress.
of course it felt good.
of course it was wrong.

I needed to stop.
as much as I decide to do the right thing,
as much the devil tempts me with false reasons and excuses.
I had one where I only watched halfway, and I really wanted to finish watching it.

In the end, I really need to just stick to the word of God, and not accept anything else in my troubled and tired head.

so next day, instead of reaching for a website
I reached for the bible.
temptation came to me again.
right after my readings, after my prayers.
they were always there.
felt like the waves in phuket that just wants to take me away
one wave after another it goes on and on and on.
Even the biggest rocks will be affected in time.

Although I was very close to failing again, I am happy to say that I choose GOd over pleasure in the end, and that has made a big difference in the direction of my days and life.
behind those temptations and lures, there is nothing.
behind the words of God, there is truth.
I know that more now when I've followed them with faith.
It is one small victory in my time of failures.
a very important one never the less!
I still think small decisions like this will really determine who you are.
Its faith being developed.
Thank God for helping me this time to go the right way.
I couldn't have done it on my own.
I wrote this down so I won't forget.

Phuket trip

The trip to Thailand went well.
clean beaches with white sand and clear skies!
makes you forget everything for a while.
clears my big complicated mind :P
I forgot about my sickness when the waves hit me and tossed me around.

towards the end though, I really wanted to come back to Singapore.
I think its a good trip if by the end of it, you start to appreciate where you come from even more, and you go back with a fresh appreciation for the blessing.

like they say right, never know what you got until its gone!

Thoughts at night

I've passed my bed time, and I find it hard to sleep now.
maybe write about recent feelings

I have learnt that my heart is very very deceitful.
It wants different things everyday, and if I were to follow it, it would take me too far away from where I need or want to be.
it is a raging bull that has no purpose or direction or control.
storming to everything that enrages or catches its attention be it only a red blanket.
why should I listen to it and run through many red blankets?
I should not listen to it that way.
It is the peace of God that will guard it!

Should I keep it? When I think during the clear day, the answer is no.
So then I try to let go, really try to let go, but at the end of the day when night comes all I want to do it keep it with me.
I pray about it, go ahead with whatever I am doing, and I have the peace of God with me always.
I will trust in God, and not my heart.

poem about sunset

As we chase after the sun, we did not want to see it go away.
For then we can no longer see our new made friends.
we can only hope and Waite and pray to see it rise again in another place, on another day when we can see each other all again.

emoticon fun

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6(^__-) -o/(o_o )\

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<^^O ^^^^^^ O^^^>~ PUFFF!
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Joke Sharing

雨石： 我下次来帮你切芒果吧~
朋友： 你会切到手的！
雨石：　不会！我不是盲人！
雨石：　哈哈哈哈！

Street evangalism

Yesterday, I went out for my first "on the job training" of the evangelism class.
We went to SMU (Singapore Management University) to try to find some students who were willing to listen to the gospel.
So anyways, we went there and there were students break dancing, chatting, and studying hard in a big group. All very unapproachable.
We were trying to find people who were alone or just in a group of two and looked liked they had time for a chat.
I was glad I was with my trainer and not doing this by myself.
we prayed before we began.
We did end up finding a few, but realized they were either Christians already, or unwilling to listen, uninterested in hearing the gospel.
we then saw this old man (lady?) sitting on the steps, finding shelter from the rain.
So we went on to try to talk to him about Jesus.
He turned out to be a Buddhist, but goes to churches sometimes, just to get food.
So I was to observe as my trainer went through the gospel with him, from grace, to man, to God to Jesus, and then to faith. Using analogies along the way to illustrate the points with some transitions to connect the points and diagnostic questions to start up the conversation...(I really wish I had read ahead and prepared more before talking about the gospel with my grandma... feels like I really gave her a half butt gospel presentation in comparison).
Anyways, it felt really good when the old man was willing to listen, and pondered what we told him, but a bit discouraging when in the end, he stuck with his Buddhist beliefs. He always tried to sidetrack onto Buddhist teachings, but my trainer did a good job at keeping the topic on course, not letting him take it astray. My trainer normally seems soft spoken, but when talking about God, he had more command in his voice and more light in his eyes. He was on fire as they would say. Animated and intensely concentrated when talking about Jesus, like a man who was sure of what he was talking about. So just like that the seeds have been planted with the old man, the old man can see that we are sincere about what we talk about. We left him with a track of information and contacts. Afterwords my trainer stepped aside with me to pray for him after wards.
All in all, It was a very taxing experience, and I am left with a daunting task of doing the same thing in the future as my trainer just did. If you think about it though, the Lord has led me to this point, given me this great opportunity. He'll be with me to finish the good work he has started with me! Can't believe he choose someone like me who is "un-good" with words. It was also kind of special that my trainer seemed bad with words as well hehe XD
Apparently, my trainer told me that these kind of street evangelism is more for our own training. Evangelizing, or visiting contacts who you already know are much more effective. This makes sense.
ahh so late. going to bed to keep my sleeping schedule...

refreshment

I watched alot of House episodes today
from 1 last night to 5 this afternoon, I watched total of around 6 episodes.
When I finally had the will power to stop
I went outside for a bit of fresh air
only half of the sun was hitting me.
the other half didn't make it through the trees above me
there was a smell of shampoo around my residence
someone just had a shower and its a brand I've never encountered before
breathing out here was different
I want to breath more when I am here
there was a small breeze, and I wanted to suck that breeze into my nose
all of it!
the wind went through my left sleeve , lifted my t-shirt, and then out the other with some of my deoderate
mosquitoes started to bite me
and I realized I should get back and maybe get started on some work.
I don't have a lot of time left for that...
I regret watching all that House.

Burnt out

With the recent inability to fall asleep
me going to class most of the time
church activities
exercising
and the hot weather amount other things.
I am starting to feel really burnt out.
Not enough energy to do anything else, or care about anything else.
Too tired to do God's work
too tired to try to do well in school
too tired to maintain some relationships
I guess I have really been pampered the beginning of my life hehe

reflecting on the last post about what is the real problem... I don't think it is because I am doing too much (no not doing too much at all)
all the things I am doing are important.

I think the real problems is that I have a bad relationship with God and don't trust him enough who is the source of endless strength.

Midterm mistake

today I thought I did well on my midterm
but as it turns out. I read the problem wrong.

I guess sometimes I am so concerned with solving a problem I got the problem wrong to begin with. Or I don't know what the "real" problem is.

very contemplative :S

like for example...

If I think I am ugly

is the fact that I am ugly the problem? Should I try to fix that?
or is the real problem my uncomfortableness with my own self and how I am made.

should solve the right problem.

sleep less ness

I can't sleep again.
Tomorrow I have a midterm, and seems like I have to go into it
with limited cognitive skills
I can't even study anymore in the morning for it.
This is the second time in 3 days where I wasn't able to sleep the whole night.
the last time this happened.
I messed up the final examinations very badly...
with bad sleep lately, I've been getting thinner, and my days
have been a drag to get through.
very unproductive as well.
sleep is a very precious thing to loose...
Shakespeare once equated sleep to something that nits you back together I think...
and I need to go out with a broken body from the day before.
On top of sleeping problems, I have a funny feeling stomache now, and a mouth full of ulcers...
I exercise so my body won't drag me down... but it still dose.
I need some medication.
some sleeping pills, some ulcer medication... I need help XD
I never wanted to use pills and medications before. Thinking I can get thru.
I do though, I really do.
Ahh these mosquitoes are biting me alot, they like my type of blood.
Maybe I can spend a little time doing mosquitoes hunting.
Where I expose only one big leg, and wait for it to come and bite me.
then I can smack him dead and have my own blood squirt out from his squeezed flat body.

Mistakes in thinking

*attention* I have changed my post "rainrock" to include the real reason my grandma named me that way

Yesterday, in my moment of frustration I banged out the previous post
I was experiencing some friends leaving as well as some that were recently distanced from me and some that will be distanced from me.
thinking back though
I don't agree with my former self on a lot of the things I said
I was just fresh off of memory, and it gave me a narrow minded sight.
the parting is a very bad reason to loose out on everything else, and I'd be cutting off paths to develop a lot of meaningful relationships that can be continued if I wasn't so passive and lazy.
All that stuff about being more cold is nonsense
I'm just too lazy to work hard to keep the relationship sometimes.
God has called us to love one another.
I pictured a random person in the street today
he or she is a stranger to me
but imagine I knew them and we had a wonderful history together
even if it was before in a far away time.
parting is hard, but there are some things that are worth being hurt for. Like taking a needle shot or building muscles to name a few things.
I then pictured if I didn't know some of my far away friends
terrible.
what was I thinking?
reminds me that I should never make decisions in my emotional states.
but pray to the Lord in these times.
to lean not on my own understanding, but to acknowledge him.
Yesterday, I quieted my heart and prayed,
"coincidentally" I was contacted by a few friends from far away and here immediately, and I talked with a few too who showed me my error in my thinking. Their sharing was so encouraging and they hit the spot with much accuracy.
one of them was a friend who I always had a physical distance with and only meet for a bit, and another was one who I knew I had to leave here in Singapore :P very very interesting huh wouldn't you say.
God is really really faithful as this time has shown again.
trust in God's plan of who he brings in and takes out of my life.
... and besides...
some people are impossible to distance :)

Meeting new people

There are a lot of people I wish I didn't have to meet
it is a bit selfish
it is a bit short sighted
but its the way I feel a lot of the times
what's the point of meeting someone
getting close
only to have them become just a bittersweet memory
something great but untouchable anymore
if I didn't have them in my memory
I wouldn't be so caught up in that moment or place in time
the places they've been wouldn't be as painful to walk through
the smell sights are all the same but where are they?
every time you have to leave someone, do you get a bit more cold?
do relationships become a bit more cheap?
do you become more withheld?
I do.
I hate moving around and people moving around
a weak plant that's moved around different pots is going to die
nothing is going to grow to what it can grow to
people start to become just another friend
I miss the people I've had to leave in the past
and I don't want to have more of them
we should just stay together forever
even into heaven, the way it was suppose to be.

*update* I no longer think this way, see next post for details

rainrock

I started off ok this semester, been going to most of my classes
doing the assignments on time, and not leaving everything to the end
However, I am finding it very hard to keep that up.
In a way I am glad that I screwed up so badly last term
that way I know what I did before is not going to be enough

Making something a habit for me is not easy

Maybe my grandma really did know what she was doing when she named me "rain rock"

rain constantly hits the rock, trying to change the rock
but it takes many many many rain drops before the rock finally changes for good

although the original reason for naming me rain rock was different...
my cousin one is sand one is dirt... with dirt rock and sand you can build a house :D

thank you everyone who has been patient with me.
and no worries! I won't use that rain rock thing as an excuse :(

poem 1

so... since not a lot of ppl know about this blog. I am going to start to write poems XD

I see the stars that are light years away
but I do not feel its warmth on a very cold day
I cannot see the wind but I feel the breeze
It blows the night cooler and makes me sneeze
I do not see gravity but I know its there
It stresses my muscles when I have to go up the stair
I can't find bacteria in its small tiny form
but it gives me health problems in my very dirty dorm
your fart I cannot hear it
but I'll smell it if you don't clear it
I don't know someone just from their facial expression
its after knowing them for awhile that you start to get the impression
If I were born to be blind and sightless
I can still make sense of some things nevertheless
we know different things through different body part
and I know my God through my metaphorical heart

correction:

I know God through his words.
and not through just my deceitful heart

Blessings Sharing

Yesterday was Chinese new years eve in Singapore. I originally thought it was going to be a new years eve spent by myself and Jesse
The day started off with a new church - Queenstown Baptist Church.
the sermon left us with five piece of wisdom for the new year

1. A path without Goliath (obstacle) lead to nowhere (1 sam 7)
- You will never discover your promised land without overcomming obstacles through the wilderness

2. Failure dosen't mean your a failure (Luke 22:61-62)
- God is committed to shaping you through failure as much as he is forgiving you because of it

3. When God is all you have, God is all you need (Ps 23)
- He is not just the "God I am" but the "God who will provide"

4. If you want to walk on water don't ask those in the boat (Matt 14:25-29)
- When you ask others what they are not prepared to do they will always tell you not to do it

5. Trust God more (Prov 3:5-6)
- Most Christians believe "in God" but not many "believe God"

They also gave me a "Ang bao" with the fellowing verses to keep in mind as God's promise
Prov 3:5-6, Eph 3:20, Isa 40:28-31

A video was also shown, that was very touching and moving and inspiring. I felt like I was the kid who was being push and held by his father to finish the race. Although I am weak, the Lord walks with me, and can make everything beautiful.



Afterwards, I was invited by a friend from the church for New Years dinner. We had hotpot, and his family was way too good to me.

After eating, another friend from the fellowship took me around Singapore harbor to have a look at the new years festivities.

All in all, I was extremely blessed this day. In a place as far as Singapore, I felt like I still had a family here. Under God we are all one family, and I felt that today very much.

Lord please burden me to do so for others as well. To Love others as You have loved me like the brothers and sisters did today.

Singapore

the weather allows me to wear shorts
and there are many kinds of birds in the morning to wake me up
the fragrance girls use here are very pleasant
the smell of the city gives me de ja vu of China
but Singapore is much more organized, and advanced
my room is very comfy
it has a key-less lock, protective bars on the window, and many cabinets with locks.
everyone is very efficient here
the food here is delicious
I look forward to eating everyday
the gym is very close and empty
there is also a radio there
and Jay Chou was the number one hit for the day
basketball court is also nearby
I am sometimes the fastest on the court
the professors here are very passionate
and I in turn am infected by some of their passion
the local markets here sell many things that I want to buy
I liked the trip where me and Ashely took the time to sit on the double Decker bus and went through parts of Singapore
Singapore is very beautiful

I miss Waterloo